Coast Confused

Why I’m Glad I’m a Spring Admit

January 19, 2016

After I tore open that big yellow envelope on that fateful day in March, and saw the word “Congratulations,” I exploded into tears – happy tears, of course. But just when I calmed down, caught my breath and wiped my eyes, I saw the word “Spring”’ and burst into tears again – this time, they were not-so-happy tears.

Knowing that I wouldn’t be starting college at the same time as all of my friends was scary and upsetting. I knew that I should have been excited, but I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed, even cheated.

Would I still be able to make friends? To find my place? To graduate on time? What was I supposed to do for a whole semester? Should I turn down my dream school for one that offered me admission in the fall?

But after finishing up my fall semester, I’ve come to realize that being admitted in the spring was a blessing in disguise. I learned so many lessons and went through so many new experiences that I never would have come across if I’d started school in the fall.

LIVING ON MY OWN

This past semester, I lived at University Gateway, an apartment building right off campus, with three other girls.

With no meal plan, I bought my own groceries and cooked (more like managed to throw together) my own meals. With no Resident Assistant or instruction of any sort, I learned to deal with any issue independently.

I learned through clogged toilets, growing mold and festering food that I actually have to clean my surroundings thoroughly, like with a sponge and some special foam scrub.

And from my free time and the 3,000 miles separating me from my parents and most of my friends, I focused on putting myself out there to meet new people. Most importantly, I also learned to enjoy spending some time with someone who will always be there for me: myself.

COMMUNITY COLLEGE

Being a spring admit forced me to branch way outside of my comfort zone. I come from a small town in New England, where over 90 percent of the population is white and most people live comfortably, some even luxuriously.

This past semester, I took three classes on Mondays and Wednesdays at Santa Monica College (SMC), a highly-ranked community college.

At SMC, I met just about as many asians and hispanics as I did whites.

I met a girl who was admitted to New York University but had to turn it down for financial reasons and a boy from Maryland who lives on his own and works full-time at a real estate agency. I met a woman three-times my age who was going to school for the first time and a boy who knew everything about gangs.

At SMC, I discovered that there is literally so much more outside of the bubble that was my hometown and my high school. I’d heard about it before and I’ve traveled a bit in my lifetime but until now, I’ve never truly lived in a place where I could see what else is out there.

FREE TIME

If you’re here at USC, chances are you worked hard throughout high school. If not, you must have worked hard in some other way.

I worked so hard straight through my four years of high school that I never had time to do so many things.

Being a spring admit and having so much more time than a normal college student allowed me to cross so many of these things off my to-do list.

I had time to explore Southern California in every single way – from getting lost on hikes to cruising along the Pacific Coast Highway to buying books for $1 at The Last Bookstore to doing an overnight trip to Laguna Hills.

I had time to start this blog, to write for other publications and to actually read books for my own pleasure. Most importantly, however, I had time to breathe and realize how grateful I should be for where I am today.

Yes, honestly, sometimes it does suck to be a little behind socially and to live a walk away from all the on-campus happenings. When it does seem to suck, I try my best to remember that I still made it to the school I’ve been dreaming about for years — we all did. And there’s no reason to be anything but thrilled and proud about that.

Anyway, what’s one less semester when I’ve got the whole rest of my life to keep FIGHTING ON! with the Trojan Family?

*Article originally published on: http://dailytrojan.com/2016/01/15/97754/#springadmit2
2015 in review

December 30, 2015

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 14,000 times in 2015. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.
“I’m happy here, I swear!”

December 6, 2015

A few weeks ago, I was on the phone with a close friend.

“Zoe,” he said. “I have a very important question.”

He told me that based on my Facebook photos, it looks like I’m having an incredible time in LA and that I’m so happy.

“Are you actually as happy as your Facebook page makes it seem?”

“Honestly, probably not,” I admitted to him.

Yes, I am happy. I love USC, LA, my roommates, my apartment and my freedom.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my high school, Connecticut, my home friends and family and the safety and comfort of my house. That doesn’t mean that I never feel lonely, lost or disconnected – you just would never know that from seeing my Facebook page.

And I know that many of my friends feel the same way, too. No one is alone in struggling. It’s hard to admit, but at the same time, admitting it is the only way to begin to make it better. If you’re unhappy with something in your life and you can’t admit it to others, then you can’t admit it to yourself. If you can’t admit it to yourself, then you can’t change it to make it better.

I know some people who, if you only saw their Snapchat stories and Instagram posts and Facebook page, you would think that they were “killing it” at school. You’d believe that they were having the best time ever. You’d probably even be a little bit jealous of how happy they appeared to be.

Many of them are truly happy, I’m sure. But there are also many who appear to be living perfect college lives but are actually still struggling to find friends who care about them and searching for balance between social life and school and missing their families like crazy.

Sometimes, this is because it’s just inevitably hard to adjust.

But other times, it’s because there are many people out there who are so worried about looking like they’re having a good time at school that they forget to actually have a good time.

They receive more validation from their friends and from other people thinking that they’re happy than from genuinely being happy.

It doesn’t make sense! Shouldn’t you be doing things that make YOU feel happy, not just that make OTHER PEOPLE think you’re happy?

I think it’s a lot about having to do things for yourself, trying to make yourself proud, being your own friend and really knowing yourself. If you have a level of confidence that allows you to be sure of the choices you make, the friends you have and everything you do, you shouldn’t need any kind of validation from other people.

But all of this is easier said than done, I know. Especially in today’s society in which social media is as present as ever and “likes” can make or break a good mood, it’s sometimes hard to remember what it means to be genuinely happy all on your own.

Now I’m not trying to be all Essena O’Neill-y here; I think social media is a great thing. I think it’s a practical way to express yourself and to keep in touch with friends. I’m just saying that a lot of the time, social media doesn’t tell the whole story.

You show everyone that you’re going to a party, standing next to a cute boy, going out on a date, drinking alcohol, dancing under flashing lights, getting back home late at night, hanging with new friends, eating at a hip restaurant or seeing a cool band perform.

But what you don’t show is you crying because you’re homesick, staying up all night to study, complaining about a boy who didn’t text you the next day, missing your home friends, wishing your parents could take care of you when you’re sick or struggling to find true friends.

And it’s so ok to have hard moments like those in college. The transition to college – no, really, just being in college in general – is not supposed to be easy. For many people, going off to college is the most drastic change they’ve experienced in their young life.

Anyway, isn’t part of college supposed to be about finding yourself? About figuring out what you like and what you don’t like and who you want to be? How are you supposed to find out these things if you’re so focused on other people’s views of you and so dismissive of your own?

So, you see, social media can sometimes be misleading. This competitiveness, this desire to prove to your friends and your followers that you are having the best time at school, is ridiculous. And this cycle, where one person tries to prove himself or herself and then everyone else feels the need to do the same, is crazy. It all takes away from the authenticity of happiness and of people in general.

These cycles can be broken, if we want to break them. We just have to focus on ourselves. We have to do things that make us feel good instead of just things that make for good photos.

But also, we can’t be afraid of and push away our feelings of unhappiness. We need to feel them, accept them and then do something to change them.

And we need to make more of an effort to go out and discover what it feels like to be genuinely happy, to live in the moment and to make memories so strong and so clear that we don’t even need photos to remember or “likes” to appreciate them.
Remembering “Mr. Counselor Guy”: Rest in Peace, Chris Lemone

October 19, 2015

“You’re it. Your life. Your decision.” That’s the Teen Awareness Group (TAG)’s motto.

Unfortunately, though, sometimes life throws something at you that you can’t control, something that’s not your decision at all. I learned this the hard way today.

I didn’t think anything at first of the texts and calls I was getting this morning at 5 from members of Staples High School’s TAG, of which I was co-president last year and Chris was advisor of for many years. But when my little sister called me at 6 a.m. (my time), I knew it must be important.

I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I really still can’t. I screamed “NO” over and over again and my whole body shook and tears spilled out uncontrollably. I couldn’t catch my breath for what felt like, and honestly may have been, an hour.

Chris Lemone was (and will remain) one of my favorite people ever. When I wrote him a thank you note at the end of the year, I told him that I’d like to stay in touch forever, to which he said “absolutely.” I told him I could guarantee that he was someone who would be at my wedding, that we would still be close friends in 10 or so years. I even had a 30 minute conversation with him over the phone a couple of weeks ago when I was having trouble settling in to college and he made me feel a million and a half times better and was so happy that I called.

It’s just all so ironic. Chris was one of the best guys I knew and one of the last people to deserve anything negative in his life, let alone this.

He spent all of his time working to help people and make the community a better place. He must have changed and bettered the lives of more people than I even know in total.

There’s no other way to say it besides that it’s not fair. To say it as Chris would have said it, “It’s just really f*cking unfair.”

On an even more personal note, Chris saw more in me than I ever saw in myself. I was never able to truly express to him with words how grateful I was for his faith in me. So I tried to use my actions. He made me want to be so great that I really did live up to his vision of me.

At the end of the year last year, he wrote me the nicest letter I’ve ever received, praising my leadership and my passion. I hope he understood that so much of what I did was in hopes that it would make him proud and that he would speak highly of me as he did of other past TAG members.

I now hang that letter next to my bed to remind myself every day to be the person that Chris saw me as.

What makes this even harder is that usually, Chris is the person I would call if I was ever feeling as I do now: weak and helpless and sadder than I thought possible.

I’m usually good at giving advice but this time, I’m completely lost. Nothing I say can make it better or make it hurt any less, no matter how hard I try.

So I’m going to try to think like Chris would. He would throw up his hands and raise his eyebrows a little and lean back in his desk chair in the TAG office by the cafeteria and say with a little half-chuckle: “F*ck. Life just sucks sometimes, man. You gotta try your best to make the most of it while you’re alive.”

I don’t know if he’d say it exactly like that but he would definitely figure out a way to throw a curse word in there and he would be blunt and honest but also positive at the same time, as always.

There’s really not that much else to say. I could write about how I cherish so much the times that I would skip class to sit in Chris’ office and give and receive advice. And I could talk about how overly excited we would both get when either one of us would see a new Broadway show or how we would spend way too long talking about plays in general. Or I could mention the secrets we had that no one would ever understand and how happy I was whenever I was around him, even when he played his crazy loud rock music during lunch meetings.

But I don’t need to spend too long talking about any of that because I know that I will always have those memories even if I don’t have Chris anymore.

We know he loved us and he knows we loved him. We can and will remember the good times forever and he will live on through our memories. And in everything I do and whoever I become throughout the rest of my life, there will always be a little part of Chris in there.

It’s pretty fitting that he shared this video on Facebook last month. Without us even asking, he left us with some of the best advice out there:

A good lesson shared by an even better man.

I’ll miss you forever, Chris, and I will continue to live every day trying to make you proud of me.

(P.S. I only included curse words because I know that Chris is laughing about that from wherever he is now).

First photo: Chris ended with TAG on a high note. He was very happy with how this past weekend’s distracted driving event went (and looking very cool in his leather jacket, of course). I wish I could have been there. PC: Jack Norman

Second photo: This is what would happen when not enough people show up to a Freshman Health Presentation. PC: Kendall Rochlin
Exploring LA & why I love Taylor Swift (Taylor Swift Exhibit @ The Grammy Museum)

October 14, 2015

If you know me at all, you know there are some pretty random things that I really love an absurd (borderline unhealthy) amount: important people in my life, ice cream, shoes, Snapchat, boys, Philadelphia, movies about love, pencil cases, Kate Spade notebooks, writing and really high up on the list is Taylor Swift.

So if there’s a Taylor Swift exhibit, as there was in LA last month, you know I’m there.

I went with my BFF Sarah (from Staples who also lives in Cali now for school) to The Grammy Museum one classic LA sunny and seventy Saturday.

As we walked through the Taylor Swift exhibit in the museum, I had a little epiphany.

I was looking through all of Taylor’s handwritten lyrics and her old guitars and watching videos of her singing at talent shows and sports games and in her room when she was younger and I realized…

Taylor Swift was once a normal girl. Yes, she’s extremely talented and amazing and wonderful but she was born into this world just like I was and just like you were. She just took her talent and worked her ass off and never gave up to finally get to where she is today: on top of the world (or at least the pop pantheon).

So, I realized, as I looked around me at all of Taylor Swift’s accomplishments and the stories of how she earned her success, that I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO if I work hard enough. And so can anyone else!

Taylor Swift is my role model. She’s classy and she’s grounded and she’s quirky and she’s caring and her music has gotten me and so many other people through numerous hard times. I used to (yeah no, I totally still do) listen to her songs and pretend she was talking to me or about me– “A Place in this World” when I moved to Connecticut in 8^th grade, “Last Kiss” when my middle school “love” and I broke up after I moved, “Clean” whenever I finally move on from a boy, etc.

My roommate, Jackie, calls me a dreamer. And it’s true; I have a long, long list of dreams. And honestly, Taylor Swift makes me believe that I can make my dreams come true. (Note: dreams don’t just come true. You have to make them come true.)

Cheesy? Yes. But true? I believe so.
How to be irresistible: an amazing article I read

October 7, 2015

My mom emailed me this article the other day and I fell in love.

If more people in this world followed the advice given in this article, there would be so many more caring and thoughtful people. That’s why I want to share this article with as many people as I can.

I typed up the steps and little blurbs underneath each one and taped the paper to the wall in front of my desk. I look at it when I need inspiration and motivation (I know, I know, I’m the cheesiest person in the world but it’s fine). I’m even trying to read over it every night so that I can memorize every word.

Just take a look and you’ll understand why I think it’s so great…

(P.S. If anyone else wants to print it out and tape it up, let me know because I already have it all typed up :))

A few more posts coming soon! Stay tuned!

XO, Zoe
Checkpoint

September 22, 2015

Like in my favorite Wii game ever, Mario Kart, this is just a little checkpoint, an update on my life in SoCal.

So, college rocks. I mean I’m not really in college yet but at the same time I kind of am. I’m a spring admit at USC so I don’t start classes there until the fall. Right now though, I’m living right off campus in an apartment with three amazing roommates and taking three classes at Santa Monica College (SMC) twice a week.

Here’s what I’ve been up to lately:

Interning

My friend Francesca was wearing a really cool bandeau at the tailgate for the first football game last week and so I looked into where she got it and now I’m working for them! The company is so cool – it’s called Victorywear and they sell trendy, cool game day clothing for USC, UMiami, and UMichigan students.

Part of my job is to amp up the Instagram and Facebook page so CHECK THEM OUT AND FOLLOW/LIKE THEM PLEASE!!!

Exploring

I’ve been to a few cool places so far: Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica Beach, the Grove and LA Live. Tomorrow, my roommate Amanda and I are going shopping for a big party this weekend and then to some cool ice cream place (obviously).

I definitely need to do more exploring, though. Now that I’m mostly all settled in, I think I will.

Studying

Well I haven’t had much work yet but I’m pleasantly surprised to report that I really have been enjoying my classes at SMC.

I’m taking a philosophy class, a sociology class and an English class. The sociology class is my favorite. It’s called African Americans in Contemporary American Society and we speak a lot about women’s rights, too, which I really like. It’s so cool to learn about so many different perspectives. Time goes by so quickly in that class. I’m going to write a more in-depth post on it once I’m finished with the whole semester.

Cooking

Ok, I’m not reaaaaaaally cooking but I’m making food and I’m surviving and I’m eating the food that my domestic roommate Amanda makes for me! I know, I know, I should learn how to cook. And I will. But first I have to fully get into my groove here. I did figure out how to make a mean salad, though!

Spending stuff (time, money)

I know how lucky I am to soon be going to such a wonderful school with so many opportunities but it’s really hard being on my own, especially since I’m living in an apartment and not on campus. It’s hard to take care of myself and look out for my new friends and keep in touch with my old friends and keep track of the money I spend while not holding myself back from doing fun things.

But it’s a process and slowly it’s all coming into place. It’s just taking some time.

BTW, I’m working on a post about what I learned through moving from Philly to CT in 8^th grade that helped me a little bit in this transition to college.

Thanks for caring about me/ reading this!!! 🙂 More later!
Real talk: circumstantial breakups

September 6, 2015

I’m going to get straight to the point. If you’re my age, this time of year, you will either be experiencing or one of your friends will be experiencing a circumstantial breakup. Either both or one of you is going off to college (or a gap year) and either one of you or both of you think(s) it’s better to do it alone.

I went through one last year when I was a senior and my (ex) boyfriend was a year older and was taking a gap year and working and traveling around Europe. And although it was one of the worst experiences I’ve had so far in my young life, it taught me so much.

I want to help anyone who is or will be going through something similar so I’m going to share what helped me through this unavoidably difficult time:

Focus on yourself

In the beginning, all you’re going to want to think about is him/her. And you’re going to be thinking a lot. So instead of thinking of someone else, think of yourself. Focus on making yourself the best person you can be. After my breakup last year, I made a list of new years resolutions (work out more, read more, eat healthier, etc.) and was so motivated (because I wanted to get my mind off of my ex boyfriend) that I actually stuck to them.

Let it out

Crying is good. It literally lowers the levels in your body of a chemical called manganese which causes anxiety, aggression, fatigue, etc. And it will feel good to feel something and to let out everything that you’ve been holding in so tightly.

Write it down

Whatever you’re feeling, bad or good, write it down so that you can get it out of your head.

It’s hard when you go from telling someone everything to telling him/her very little or even nothing so it’s normal if you can’t stop thinking of things you need to tell your ex. To make the transition easier, though, you can write down a list of things you want to say the next time you see or talk to him/her so that you’re not constantly reminding yourself/constantly thinking of him or her. I’d also suggest jotting down your favorite memories so that you can stop worrying about forgetting them.

Keep him/her sort of close (but not too close)

If you continue talking and acting as you did when you were together, you might as well have stayed together. Love is actually like a drug (no actually, it affects your brain like a drug) and it’s hard to give up, but you can’t move on until you let go. Although, if your relationship was so important to you that you don’t want to lose this person fully, it’s okay to keep him/her in your life as a friend, as long as you both are on the same page and both want to be friends. It could be hard at first, but it’s definitely possible if you both want it badly enough.

Listen to music

It feels good to know you’re not alone. So when you hear that song that resonates with you better than anything you’ve ever heard before, embrace it. Sing along at the top of your lungs and pretend you’re in a movie and know that you are not alone in how you feel– it’s just a part of life.

Recognize that it’s hard

Don’t beat yourself up about being sad. It’s normal to be sad. You had something great and now it’s gone. But remember, too, that you’re not going to be sad forever. The hedonic treadmill theory says that after huge positive or negative events, we are quick to adjust our lives back to a stable level of happiness.

Don’t forget about the good times

Remember how lucky you are to have all the special memories that you made with this person. And remember that even if you don’t have him or her anymore, you always have those memories.

And never ever forget how lucky you are to have loved someone so much that it hurt this much to leave him or her…
College Crafts

August 16, 2015
I think it’s a mix of me trying to distract myself from the fact that I’m leaving for college in basically two minutes and my little sister’s crafty nature rubbing off on me, but lately I’ve been weirdly into crafting so…

Here are some fun and easy crafts I’ve made for my dorm (really apartment) room!!
1. Photo letters
All you have to do to make these is print out tiny little photos of you and your friends and then use Mod Podge glue and a foam brush to put them on some wooden letters (I got mine from Michael’s)! It’s easiest if you start with one corner and begin by putting the glue on the letter then putting some photos down then gluing over the photos again. These make for great presents for your friends, too! And I even painted the edges of the one I made for myself silver to match my room.
1. Actual letters
I saw this “open when” letters idea on Pinterest so long ago and couldn’t wait to do it myself. I wrote some letters for my younger friends that say things like “open when you’re feeling sad” or “open when you’re anxious” or “open when you’re nervous for a date.” Then I wrote letters to a few of my best friends thanking them for everything they’ve done for me through the years and wishing them good luck on their first day of school and most importantly, reassuring them that I want our friendship to last.
1. Actual photos
This is my favorite. I think the black and white makes it look classy and goes better with the color scheme of my room (silver, white, light blue, navy blue). I got the cork boards at Michael’s and decorated four of them with photos that I printed and picked up the same day at Walgreens.

Then I decorated two of them with silver sparkly adhesive paper and silver sparkly tape and tacked on some mementos from high school like a football game ticket and a mini field hockey stick keychain and an Inklings and a TAG business card and a photo of Liberty and some other small things that just remind me of home and happy memories.

P.S. I think I spent more money at Michael’s this summer, between these crafts and making bracelets for Made by Mia, than I did on clothes or food or anything else… gooooooood.
For all the ice cream lovers out there

August 12, 2015

I’ve been trying to think of a clever way to say it, but it’s just way too simple to overthink: I love ice cream A LOT. I love the way it tastes and the way it smells and the way it makes me feel so happy even though it’s something so simple and I especially love the adventures that come along with trying out new places or going with new friends.

If you talk to some of my friends (Taylor, Rachel, Hannah), they may tell you that I even cry occasionally after I finish a cone because I miss my ice cream, but you know, rumors…psh…

(Just look at my Instagram post from National Ice Cream day last month)

If you share my love for ice cream, here are a few less mainstream ice cream shops in CT I’ve been to recently that I highly recommend:

1) Ferris Acres Creamery in Newtown

When the drive there is almost as beautiful and amazing as the ice cream, that’s when you know. And when you can see the cows and thank them for their milk, that’s pretty cool, too.

My favorite flavor: Sweet Cream

2) Wells Hollow Creamery in Shelton

This place definitely wins for most original flavors. And their cake batter is the best cake batter ice cream I’ve ever had (and I have abnormally high standards).

My favorite flavor: Cake Batter

3) Grass Roots Creamery in Granby

All that needs to be said is that this ice cream was well worth the 1 hour and 45 minute drive. P.S. IM(expert)O, the sweet cream here is less flavorful than Ferris Acres’, but a little lighter/fluffier.

My favorite flavor: Banana Graham